“Albert Mehrabian created the 7-38-55 rule. That is, only 7 percent of a message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker’s body language and face.” Chris Voss - Never Split The Difference
If this is true, that means over 90% of our communication has nothing to do with the words we say. For parents (and coaches) on the sideline, this is extremely important. How you act and the tone of voice you choose to communicate with your child can have a big effect on their nerves. You can make them more nervous and stressed out, or help them stay calmer.
There’s a certain way to clap. A certain tone of voice to use. A certain way to stand. A certain way to sit. And a certain way to move your head and hands.
When it comes to clapping, you CAN clap the wrong way. I’ve seen parents use what I call the “anxiety clap.” This is where they themselves are so nervous that they clap their hands extremely fast. They might have had the intention of being supportive, but they’re actually communicating how nervous they are themselves. So make sure your clap is calm and consistent!
Your tone of voice is also extremely important. There are times where we can say “come on Johnny” in such a desperate and frustrated way that the player can feel what you’re feeling. They then become more uptight and feel the pressure to start winning immediately. Keep a calm tone when vocally supporting them.
Parents who choose to stand, be careful. Most parents who do this can’t stay still. I get it, standing in one place for 1-3 hours can be very difficult. That’s why it’s best to sit. But if you decide to stand, just don’t pace back and forth. Nervous people pace back and forth so if your child sees you doing that, they can start to feel nervous too.
When you’re sitting, be mindful of how much you move around in your chair. If you’re constantly readjusting your position, your child can notice that. Someone who is calm and relaxed isn’t changing their position after every point. Sit as still as possible.
Head and hand movements. Oh yes, head and hand movements. This might sound ridiculous but kids notice this too! The moment a child loses a tough point, they’re going to look straight at you. Don’t put your head down. Don’t look away. And definitely don’t throw your arms up or cover your face. Those movements scream disappointment or frustration! Make sure you sit completely still and just look at them. Feel free to give them a slight smile, a calm and supportive clap, or some calm vocal support such as “it’s okay.”
If you’re still struggling with some of these things, do some breathing exercises. A sports psychologist taught me to breathe in through my nose for 5 seconds, and out of my mouth for 5 seconds. This helps keep my heart rate a little lower. And if my heart rate is lower, I have a better chance of acting in an appropriate manner.
I know watching your child’s matches can be nerve wrecking, but just remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your child. And even though they’re the ones playing, you’re still involved. You are their support staff. You have to support them the best way they NEED.